I’ve been really sad the last couple of days. So sad in fact that for two days now I’ve woken up crying, (I’m not sure I’ve ever done that before).
And while there are definitely a few things pressing on me in a sad sort of way, this has still felt a bit out of left field.
“Why am I so sad?” has been my cry to the Lord.
And then I realized. Of course. Monday the 27th was the two year anniversary of my granddaughters death.
And even though my mind is full of work and emails and things I must be writing – my soul is sorrowing, and my spirit is crying.
My being is remembering Anna even more than my mind is. And there is nothing for it but tears.
So I am easing off on the work, setting aside some of the writing, and giving myself time to grieve and honor my little granddaughter.
I’ve experienced this before. Where my being remembers even if I don’t.
Time is built into each of us, and these anniversary’s of loss and sorrow and even tragedy and trauma, carry on with us until there is healing and health restored.
Over the years I’ve had other key markers demanding grief, even though I had no idea what was going on for the longest time.
It used to be that the middle of March was a really hard time for me. And years back in my healing journey as I worked through past sexual abuse it came to light that March marked a traumatic time for me.
Each year, whether I liked it or not, there would be a few weeks each March that demanded I pay attention and that loss would be counted for.
The good news is, that as healing comes these time capsules somehow hardwired into our souls are released.
Healing removes the emotional set points in our brains, the strain of loss that has settled into our bones and muscles is loosed, and the triggers of sorrow and deep pain are released and are no more.
March does not carry for me the same pain it used to. The good Lord has healed me through and through.
Now, as I enter into and allow the sorrow of losing Anna, I’m not sure what the path will be. But what I do know is that I’m okay being sad until I’m not sad any longer, and that God has this journey, my journey, all our journey, in his hand.
We don’t journey alone. And healing does come. Thank-you Lord.